Today I had my 6 week postpartum check up, though it was early because the Dr. is going on vacation next week. Time has gone by too fast. I haven’t even seen it go. It was crazy to be back at the hospital/Robinwood area. We had spent a good bit of time there and it reminded me of all that stress! Anyway, the Dr. said that they sent my placenta out for testing and it came back that it did have an infection, chorioamniotis. Dr. said they don’t know why it happened and that there was no sign of my water breaking prematurely, these things just happen sometimes.
My main question was- “will this happen again with my next pregnancy?”. He said, no it is not guaranteed to happen again. So I felt a little better.
So, I got home and I researched this chorioamniotis. Apparently, it is an infection of the placenta and from what I’ve seen it could be a few different things such as Group B strep (which I was tested for and it was negative) or E-coli or other Bacteria. So, apparently I had one of these things. It can also be caused by your water breaking early. Which, apparently, mine did not. But, I remember the week before I delivered Liam, I had thought maybe my water had broken and was leaking. But, when I was checked at the doctor, he told me that there was no evidence of my water breaking. BUT, when the Dr. broke my water at the hospital he had a hard time doing so and when he did, he kind of seemed questionable and said, that he “guessed” he got it, but it wasn’t much coming out. SO, now I’m wondering if my water had been leaking and that is how I got the infection? I guess I will never know for sure and that is what scares me. I just want to be able to prevent this from happening again.
So, the research I did. I did not like what I saw. Everything said that it can be a very serious condition and that babies that are full term have a great chance of recovery, but that they will have the infection and will need to be treated and monitored. I even read one story about how a lady went in for her ultrasound at like 37 weeks and that there was no hearbeat anymore, that the baby had died in utero. One source said that it is unlikely that any further pregnancy or fertility problems will arise, but other sources said that there is a higher risk that women who develop this in their first pregnancy, will develop it in their second. Some sources also said that this can cause brain defects, etc. I don’t have concerns for Liam with these, thank God. All of this was hearbreaking. I couldn’t stop reading, it was like a train wreck. I just wanted something to reassure me and make me feel better. Even though it was over and everything was ok. I was so freaked out.
My baby, my precious little boy was so lucky. If he would have been in there any longer, it is quite possible that he would not have made it out alive (the Dr. had told me after I delivered that by pushing so well, I had probably saved his life). Somehow, I can’t help but feel like this is my fault? My stupid body betrayed me. I don’t know how this happened! Maybe I got the infection because I had asked the doctors to check me each time I was there from 36+ weeks? We had that ultrasound scheduled for the following Thursday and I have a feeling that we would have gotten out of it hearbroken.
This makes me realize how lucky we are. Everything, everything with this pregnancy and birth seemed to happen at the right time. We got pregnant so quickly, first try. It just seems like there was a reason for all this, a reason that Liam actually came on his due date. It was to save his life. My poor little boy was in there, getting sicker and sicker. Who knows if we would have waited any longer, what would have happened.
After reading all this, I just sat there and cried, holding Liam. I was thankful, I was shocked, and scared at the same time. And mostly, I was feeling all the love in the world, right then. I couldn’t stop looking at his precious face. I felt bad for him, to have gone through all that. I am so lucky to have him here with me. Someone was watching over us, guiding us through that difficult time. What a blessing Liam is. What a little miracle that he is ok. I know it is not the worst that could have happened, but he is my miracle. From conception to birth to now. He is my miracle and he is the love of my life.
But, I am scared now. I am scared that this will happen again. Thinking about the stress of pregnancy scares me. As much as I loved it, loved it so much, I was stressed all the time. One little pain and I would worry. When I wouldn’t feel the baby kick in a certain amount of time, I would worry. Now, I feel like if I get pregnant again, I will worry even more, just knowing what could happen. And what if I’m prone to this infection thing?
I know I need to stop dwelling on what could have happened and focus on what did happen. I have a healthy, beautiful, baby boy. More beautiful than I could have ever imagined. I love looking into his eyes and I’m so thankful that I have gotten the chance to do so. I cannot wait to see him smile back at me when I smile and to hold him every day. I love him, so much. I think tonight made me realize it even more. This child was inside me, grew in my belly. He is a part of me and always will be. Just like I will always be a part of my parents. It’s amazing really. And just like that Pampers commercial that gets me teary eyed now every time, every baby really is a miracle. But, mine, is my miracle. I love you, Liam, so much it hurts!
Here is a good little saying:
When we choose to be parents,
we accept another human being as part of ourselves,
and a large part of our emotional selves
will stay with that person as long as we live.
From that time on,
there will be another person on this earth whose orbit around us
will affect us as surely as the moon affects the tides,
and affect us in some ways more deeply than anyone else can.
Our children are extensions of ourselves.
-Fred Rogers
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