It's been one year since you came into this world at 4:07 pm and changed our lives forever. I've been so anxious for this day. There have been some tears and a whole lot of thinking. I've found myself recalling every little detail of your birth and wishing I could go back and see it all over, just to see your face for the first time and experience that rush of love again. As much as I think about it and pull from my brain, I just can't completely find my mind there again It seems too far away now. I'm holding on to it so tight, because the more time that goes by, the more I fear I will forget from that day.
One detail that keeps entering my thoughts is something I said as I was minutes away from meeting you and bearing all my strength to bring you into this world. I don't think I'll ever forget it and now I laugh thinking that I even said it. My whole labor I was nervous of what the experience would bring. I don't like not knowing whats ahead of me before I get there. I remember feeling frightened laying there trying to sleep while I was in labor. With the rush of labor and all of the emotions that it brings I cried to your father and grandmother "I'm scared".
I was scared to meet you. I was scared of being a mom. I was scared of how you'd change me. I was scared to death. I thank your grandmother for telling me not to be, that you were not a scary thing. You were going to be my baby, my own child. I know she said more but I can't remember it all now. It made me feel better, but not as good as I felt when I saw you for the first time.
I was not scared anymore.
No mother or father can say this enough, but when you see your child for the first time- the child you've been wishing for, dreaming of, and preparing for- the feeling is unlike any other. I don't even know what it is. Is it love? Yes. But it's also something much, much more. It's a true high on life.
And yes I was scared of being a mom. I still am. I'm scared to lose you in any way. I'm scared of the mistakes I might make. I'm scared you will not always love me.
I will always be scared of being a mom. But, I'm not scared of you.
And you did change me. But, I needed to change. I became a mom. But, being a mom doesn't mean that I still can't have fun or spend time with the ones that are special to me. It means that I can do these things with you as well. You changed my body, but you did not change my personality. You did make my heart bigger, fuller. You've taught me more about patience. You've taught me to appreciate the little things. You are the best teacher I've ever had and will continue to be. I've changed, but I've changed for the better.
You've changed too. You've gone from being so tiny and frail looking to big and
Ever since you were born we have been proud of you. We were proud of how you strong you were while sick, how high you raised your head, how far you would crawl, how long you could stand, and how many steps you can take. We will always be proud of you.
Liam, I hope that we have given you a wonderful first year. I know we have tried. There have been tears on everyone's part, but much more laughter and love than we know what to do with. I know we will miss these days, the first 366 days of your life (leap year) but we have so many more to look forward to.
Happy first birthday, my little baby. You are my first, the little one that made me a mother, your feet were the first little feet I felt kick my belly from the inside. You have a little bit of me in you. Some of my eyes. Some of my nose. My genes yes, of course. But you, every little bit of you is in me. You are in my mind, my heart, my soul- forever and always.
I love you!
-Mama
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