First check!

I had an appointment on Tuesday, May 24th to see the last Dr. I haven’t seen and to get the group B strep test and be checked.  Soooo being checked for the first time was not fun!  It definitely did not feel pleasant, but I dealt with it.  The Dr. was so shocked, he said that I am carrying the baby REALLY low (which you can’t tell if you look at me).  He asked if I have been having alot of pressure (which I haven’t really). He said Liam’s head is right there and he could feel it.  I was not dilated yet, though. That was a little disappointing, but I should have expected it.  I haven’t even felt any contractions, I don’t think.  Hopefully soon I will start to dilate since the baby’s head is so low and putting pressure on my cervix. 

Also, last night I had a horrible dream!  I dreamt that I had a baby that was half human-half puppy, though it didn’t really look like a puppy, but acted like one.  It jumped into my arms from the ground.  I was so mad because just like some of my other dreams, this baby was not a newborn and I was upset.  Apparently, I don’t want my baby to grow up.  Also, Brandon and I had left the hospital without the baby and without me even seeing him.  So, my mom had brought him to our place and she had put him in the wrong “coming home” outfit.  I was so upset.  I woke up and I was very upset about the dream.  Because in the dream I wasn’t really happy with the baby.  So, now I’m scared of that, that I’ll be a bad mom.  It’s upsetting.  I have alot of fears right now.  I am afraid of the pain, after being checked I just have to wonder how bad labor is.  I am so afraid I haven’t read enough baby books and won’t know what I’m doing.  I know people are parents every day, but I can’t even imagine myself being a parent.  It’s scary.  

Sometimes I picture myself holding the baby and how much love I will feel.  I can’t wait for him to be here and for me to cuddle him and take care of him.  I can’t wait to see Brandon as a father.  

Also in my dream I really missed being pregnant.  I can’t imagine not having a belly anymore- I love my belly.  I will miss feeling him move around so much.  I have really really enjoyed being pregnant, the strange but amazing changes that my body has gone through.  It has all been fairly good to me so far.  I have been really blessed, blessed for Brandon and I to have gotten pregnant so quickly and for this miracle to happen.  It’s hard to put together though in my head.  I have been thinking that I really need to sit down and enjoy the baby’s movement and the feeling of him inside my belly.  It’s very hard to put together that there is a child in there.  Sometimes, I don’t know if I still believe it!

 I will never be pregnant again for the first time, never again with my first child, this is the first.  This is special and wonderful and I feel I haven’t enjoyed it as much as I should have, because I worried the whole time.  I feel like I haven’t even given the baby enough time, haha!  And he isn’t even here yet!!!

 Is this what parenting is?  You always feel like you aren’t doing enough for your child?  I hope I can prove to him my love when he gets here and show him how much he means to me.   I want to be a good mom, I’m so scared.  

Annndd.. we are all set for Baby!!!